Sometimes I think our society has become so competition oriented that we’ve forgotten many of the common courtesies that used to be taken for granted. No matter what we’re involved in, it seems we try to push harder, stretch further and go faster than anyone around us. Our sense of competition is part of what keeps our country moving forward because it’s a sign of ambition and working toward our dreams, but there are times when I wonder if we’ve lost the more subtle side. I used to chuckle at other drivers during my daily commute who whizzed past me far exceeding the speed limit, cutting from one lane to another and generally making a hazard of themselves. I wondered what they did for a living that they loved it enough to die for it or kill someone else in order to get to work.
It’s as if the sense of competition pervades every minute of every day, even on the road. It’s a simple fact that people sometimes do stupid things behind the wheel when you are in close proximity; it’s nothing personal. So why become embroiled in emotional outrage that someone else beat you to the stoplight or cut in front of you?
That takes us to the second part of the equation — courtesy. My basic premise in life is to not make anyone else’s life more difficult than it needs to be. I see lots of older people driving slower than the rest of traffic, gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles, because driving is the only way they have to go shopping or get to an appointment. Common courtesy dictates that I adjust my attitude and speed not to make their day any worse than it needs to be.
Back in the 1970’s there was a company in Canada that made family games, like board games. The big difference was that instead of trying to beat everyone else, you had to cooperate with the other players in order to succeed or everyone lost. Even in the 1970’s though, it was amazing how many people simply couldn’t do it. They’d start the game knowing what the group goal was and with the best of intentions, but as the game progressed, they would sabotage the effort because they just couldn’t comprehend a “win” without a single champion. Companies are finding younger employees unable to cope with commitment to team efforts and often they lack the courtesy skills as well.
Courtesy and cooperation start at home. When I was a teenager and rebelling against being told what to do, my whole family agreed that instead of having demands thrown at us, we would all use the same courtesy with each other that had been drilled into us (since infancy it seemed) with strangers. This didn’t change the power base or expectation of results, but it did create a less emotionally reactive response. Instead of being told to come to dinner, we were politely told that dinner was ready (with the understanding that we were to immediately present ourselves at the table). When we wanted something, we politely asked for what it was with a concluding “please” and received a courteous response in return. The premise was that we knew it was important to use please, thank you and other common courtesies with strangers, so it should be even more important to use them with people we loved. And it worked!
Growing up, all of my family members were active and busy but the one activity which was inviolate, was dinner. We arrived with hands washed, appropriately dressed (shirts on the men and no curlers in my hair). It didn’t matter if we were having chili or steaks, the TV was turned off, the phone was left unanswered and candles were lit. No one was excused from the table until everyone was finished, and conversation covered everything from our schedules to current events, world economy and ancient civilizations. We were all expected to contribute and respect each other’s time to talk. It provided excellent training for us. As we grew up and made lives of our own, there was never a time that we felt inadequate in any public setting because the courtesies and manners were so ingrained by then that they were automatic. We all raised children using the same etiquette rules. I remember telling my daughter once that she may never again need to know how to properly cut meat or which fork to use, but I never wanted her to feel at a disadvantage in a situation where she did need to know those things. At the time, I received the expected raised eyebrows but now that she’s grown, more than once she has thanked me for all the knowledge we gave her.
So go after your dreams to be the biggest baddest whatever out there, but remember that the things you do to get there affect every life that touches yours in any way. Courtesy costs you nothing and can make a world of difference to yourself and those around you. The next time you’re ready to raise your voice at some poor unaware motorist sharing the road, or interacting with family members, try a little courtesy and see if it makes a difference. I truly think it will.