What if your real estate agent could tell you what they really think? I recently gave my colleagues around the country that very opportunity when I posed this question in an online group: What do you wish you could tell your clients (if professionalism, common sense and your pride didn’t stand in the way)?
Over 100 agents from New Jersey to California responded, some with sarcasm, most with frustration. All were glad to have the chance to vent under the veil of anonymity. Here are the best of the bunch:
Just because you watch House Hunters doesn’t mean you know how any of this works.
We want to be able to tell you that if you move here you’ll probably be stabbed to death but we’re not allowed to say that. Please check local crime statistics.
Once you’re under contract and if you own a mobile phone, turn it on and keep it on until closing. If you don’t own one, buy one!
Open houses help us more than they help you. Holding an open house probably won’t get your place sold, but your agent will meet lots of potential buyers.
We want to scream when we’ve spent a year consulting with you to get your house ready for sale, then discover that you’ve listed with another agent. We’re human beings. Our hearts get broken just like anyone else.
Just because you watch HGTV and DIY doesn’t make you a flipper.
We’re like ducks on the water. It may look like we’re running your deal smoothly but under the surface we’re paddling like crazy.
Your house isn’t selling because INSERT HERE (it smells bad) (it’s too dated) (it’s a cluttered mess) (it’s overpriced).
Our time and advice have value. Don’t use us for our suggestions, then hire someone else because he’s a friend of the family.
Don’t hire an agent just because they said they could sell your house for the highest price or lowest commission.
You don’t get to ask the seller to make repairs or replacements to bring it up to the equivalent of a brand new home just because you’re shocked that a 30-year-old house has thirty years of wear and tear.
Don’t suddenly switch agents because you’re embarrassed that you still haven’t found a house after 45 showings. We value your loyalty and expect it, especially after we’ve spent lots of time with you.
Don’t take your parents’ advice. The process and the market aren’t the same as when they purchased their one house in 1971. Things have changed!
Real estate is my career, not my hobby. If you have questions, don’t ask friends and family. Call me.
Trust us when we recommend a lender. The only benefit we receive is knowing that your financing will be handled professionally and smoothly. Agents don’t receive kickbacks!
Selling eight homes in a lifetime doesn’t make you a real estate expert. I sold eight homes last month!
Stop taking advice from your broke-a$$ friends. They’re renting, for God’s sake!
If you’re flipping a house, please don’t do a lousy job. My name is on that sign in the yard, not yours.
Your Realtor cares more than you think, stresses more than you know, and loses sleep over your transaction.
Get your house deep cleaned by a professional before you list it. Your place isn’t as clean as you think it is.
If something in your house is broken, your buyer will expect it to be fixed. You wouldn’t buy a car with a broken transmission.
I want to know if you’re pre-approved before I spend my weekend showing you homes. I know you’re excited about shopping but please respect my time.
The seller still lives in the house you’re buying. You can’t wander through the backyard whenever you’re in the neighborhood. It’s not your house until you close.
You’re an adult. Stop asking your father who bought a house 50 years ago for his advice. And Dad, stop acting like every loose screw means the house is about to collapse.
I don’t care how much those granny drapes cost back in the 70s. Ugh. It’s 2019. Take them down!
I know you’ve moved out but please keep some toilet paper in the house in case an agent (or buyer) needs to use the bathroom during a showing.
Go ahead with your “for sale by owner” but don’t call me asking how to do the paperwork, negotiate inspection, or arrange for closing.
Don’t feel like you need to underplay your enthusiasm about a house when you’re with me. I’m not the seller. I’m your agent and I need to know how you feel about this place.
If your kids are going to run through every house like savages, leave them at home.
Everyone thinks they own the Taj Mahal.
No you can’t have my commission. Yes, your house smells like dog butt and will affect your sales price. No those drapes aren’t fine. No, your parents don’t need to accompany you to every showing.
No, I can’t meet you at the house you found on Zillow 30 minutes ago. Make an appointment.
If your friend’s sister’s mom’s cousin’s neighbor who got her license in another state six months ago is giving you real estate advice, by all means you should listen to her.
No, I will not show you my listing just because you don’t want to bother your Realtor on a Sunday.
You’re going to wish you took that offer that was $3,000 below your list price (when you call me in a couple of months to drop your price even lower than the offer you’re turning away today.)
You want me to show you homes on Thanksgiving? Do you realize how many sellers are cooking all day and have a home full of guests?
Just because I love what I do doesn’t mean I’ll do it for next to nothing. What if your boss asked you to return half of your paycheck?
Good luck selling your $600K house that you listed with your dog walker who has done only one deal in the last eight years. Those cell phone photos look gorgeous, btw.
Seller, you said the roof needs to be replaced, the HVAC is 20 years old, the carpet is old. You’ve tried to sell with three other agents and had no showings. My research says the price should be $220,000 and you still want to list it for $269,000? Really?
Please don’t ask me to show you houses when your own home isn’t even close to listing. You’re wasting everyone’s time and you’re just going to be frustrated.
Everyone knows that Zillow Zestimates are worthless. If you want to know what a house is worth, ask me. I’ll run the numbers the right way.
If we walk into a house and you know it’s not for you, it’s okay to say so. We don’t need to spend a minute longer in a house you don’t want.
Don’t call me for advice when your discount agent isn’t doing a good job. You get what you pay for.
Those air fresheners just make your house smell like lavender cat pee. And no, it’s not a good smell.