In a conversation with my eldest about snowing, snow and school closings, she said that she heard the sound of her parents fly out of her mouth when she barked at someone, “School’s CLOSED? This is not snow, people!” As she grumbled along, remembering how few times she had missed school when she lived in New Jersey, she decided that, for the school corporations, it might have become a matter of liability. “People sue about everything, so the schools don’t want to take any chances.”
We can all get an occasional chuckle out of the thought that there was once someone so stupid, she did not know that hot coffee would indeed, be hot. Of course, it is entirely possible that person is still living the good life on the big pile of cash she won in the lawsuit, and does not care that we giggle at her, but we do have her to thank for the warning signs on coffee cups. And the warnings on automobile TV commercials. My current favorite is the car that jumps onto an elevated train.
One of the NPR car guys, either “Click” or “Clack,” liked to say that bad things are coming when you hear, “Hey guys: watch this,” but you can surf YouBoob — uh, YouTube — and see hundreds of examples of people purposely wrecking themselves in gruesome antics. The movies based on guys being “Jackasses” have made a lot of money showing that painful tricks can be funny. And though Jimmy Kimmel’s YouTube hoax of a woman setting herself on fire while “twerking” made trouble for some no-fact-checking journalists (who ran the story as if it were true), I don’t think that wryly penned cautions have done much to head off risky behavior. It would seem that few of the warnings we see are having an effect on some members of the viewing public, though attorneys are being kept warm.
In my jumping-car commercial, a vehicle packed with car-poolers encounters a traffic jam. “We’re gonna be late,” says one of the riders and the driver guns into action. The car soars into the air and lands atop a moving elevated train. The first warning on the bottom of the screen is “Fantasy. Do Not Attempt.” This is not obvious at all. When the car bounces onto the train, the warning is repeated: “Fantasy. Do not attempt. Cars can’t hop on trains.” Never knew that. The commercial ends with the car arcing from the top of the train, slamming onto the ground and spinning to a stop, perfectly placed in a parking spot. The warning reads, “Still professional driver on a closed course. Do not attempt.” We went from “fantasy,” to “cars can’t fly” to “professional driver.” Perhaps I can be a professional and make my fantasy car fly onto a moving train. Right?
Whenever I wonder how dumb we have become, I surf Crackbook for a few minutes and have the answer. Though our world might be one of Computer Generated Images, a recent study has shown that children do know the difference between fantasy and reality. When ad agencies pitch ideas for commercials, (like Darren Stevens on “Bewitched”) some grumpy lawyer is probably intoning after each presentation board, “Fantasy. Do Not Attempt.” There are so many people trying to get attention with outrageous behavior that the warnings are just “butt coverage.” No one is listening because we all know that nothing seen on TV is real. But sometimes, when I get into my car I think, “My hooptie’s rollin’, tailpipe draggin’, gonna get some air, a movin’ train I’m baggin’…”