Dear June,
My friend is going to have a baby soon, and I am having difficulty conceiving, so it is really hard for me to listen to all of her news and excitement. I don’t begrudge her the happiness she is experiencing, but I do feel a bit resentful that it is the constant topic of conversation. It is really getting to me. I doesn’t help matters that I know a few other expectant mothers. I just cannot escape the baby obsession around me! Aside from moving to a desert island, how can I handle this? — No Baby
Dear Baby,
It is certainly a draining exercise feigning joy when all you are feeling is despair. Are your friends aware of your difficulties in conceiving? If so, it is certainly fair, and perhaps necessary, to ask for a little ‘baby free’ time and conversation when you are with them. Certainly, it is probably impossible to avoid the topic, but asking them to share other aspects of themselves and focus on what is going on in your life for a bit is a reasonable request. People in the midst of great change, good or bad, likely become a little self-focused. Gently reminding them that you would like to discuss other things may help a lot. If they are not aware of your difficulties, have you found anyone to share your heartache with? A good vent may help you feel better and more able to deal with your baby-centric world. It may not also be a bad idea to take some time off from those particular friends and share time with people who are not pregnant. Go and do some adult things that have nothing to do with children: fancy restaurants, museums, movies, have a drink. In short, you cannot move to a desert island, but getting out of your bubble for a bit may help you deal. I wish you the best in your efforts to conceive.
Dear June,
I am having a really hard time dealing with my friend’s husband. He is really a jerk, and treats her terribly. He cusses at her, calls her names, and has even threatened to hit her on a few occasions. I don’t think he has hurt her, but I do feel it is only a matter of time. This past week, there was a social gathering, and he was particularly terrible, not just to her, but to everyone at the party. I am angry about how he is treating her, and I am also worried about her. What if he hurts her? How can I deal with this topic and get her to see what is happening to her? How can I help her? I am really worried that she will become shut down, or push me away, and then she won’t get any help. What is the right thing? — Worried Friend
Dear Friend,
In all likelihood, she knows what is happening, but feels powerless to change the situation or his behavior. I am sure that your friend feels scared, alone, and deeply embarrassed about what he is doing. The best thing you can do for your friend is offer unconditional support and understanding to her. After that, helping her process her situation and stay focused on her own choices is a good goal. It is very easy in these sorts of situations to focus all effort and attention on her husband: what he is doing, and what he needs to do to change. It is a hard lesson, but she cannot change him. Only he can do that. Her energies are best spent on deciding what she wants, needs, can live with, and will do. She likely feels powerless because she cannot control his actions. Helping her focus on what she CAN control — herself — will help empower her towards healthy choices.
Dear June,
I found out that my dad is having an affair. I was visiting my parents over the Thanksgiving weekend, and I heard him talking to a woman in a romantic manner over the phone. I confronted him, and he admitted to what he was doing. My mom is chronically ill, and has been for several years. My dad said that he loves my mom, and will stay with her until she passes away, but that he was lonely and needed something for himself. I am so angry that if it weren’t for seeing my mom, I wouldn’t even go home for Christmas. I think he is being very disloyal to my mom, and his behavior is a betrayal to the whole family. How do I deal with this? Do I tell my mom? I feel like she deserves to know, but I also know that this would just kill her. And what about my sister and brother? Do I tell them? How can I forgive him? He said he isn’t willing to get rid of this woman. How can I live with that?? — Shattered
Dear Shattered,
On top of accepting the fact that your mother will pass away, it seems as if you now feel that you are losing your father as well. You are scared, shocked, and feeling lost. There are a lot of unanswered questions, and I imagine that your feelings change moment to moment. While it may be hard to do, at this point do nothing more than find a close friend you trust to share how you are feeling with. You need to take some time to clear your head allow your feelings to settle a bit before taking an action. I really suggest that you do go home for Christmas, and try to make the best of the occasion with your family. As impossible as this may seem now, try to find some empathy for your father. Not for his actions, but for his feelings. For his confusion, and fear about losing your mother. Above all, take some time and feel things out. Do not take an action out of spite or revenge that will hurt others. It isn’t whether you tell his secret or not; rather is is about whether your actions have to do with how you feel or what is truly best for the situation.