The beginning of a new year seems to be a good time to sweep out the closets and air out the peeves. (Another columnist used to convene a “Court Of Peeves, Crotchets and Irks.” He was an infamous segregationist who wrote a superb column on the art of writing. I was addicted to the column before I learned of his racist views, but that is another thing to tell, another time.) Anyway, let me convene a rant.
I think that when we read the words “needless to say,” we should stop reading. No one ever concludes that there is truly no need to say something. When people say or write “Needless to say,” they slam right past the comma and go on to say what they claimed was needless to say. If it truly was “needless to say,” then there was no NEED to say it. There are plenty of ways to reintroduce old ideas: “This bears repeating,” or “As I’ve said before.”
And that other thing: “If I were you, I would…” If I were YOU, I would do whatever you would do, and if you were ME, you would do exactly what I am planning to do. If you want to make a suggestion, do so. Don’t imply that, were you in possession of my body, you would do something other than what the original occupant (me) had in mind. (Unless, of course, you can take possession of my body and make me sing the banana boat song.)
What about, “this is a stupid question, but…” People say that when they plan to bomb your thoughts, feelings, or position, and want to appear intellectually curious, but self-effacing and humble. The not-so-subtle subtext is: “your position is a festering boil, and I am about to lance it, and it’s gonna hurt.” Needless to say.
I wrote this on my social networking wall: “ ‘I Hate To Say This’ is one of the Greater Lies.” A rather lively response showed that many of my social connections had similar views and variations on that theme. One favorite of the crowd was, “I probably shouldn’t say this,” which is a wishy-washy statement to come from someone who is definitely going to “say it.” Have you ever heard that quote from anyone who then proceeded to SHUT UP? No one stops at “shouldn’t.” They bring a shotgun to the discussion, shove in shells, rack the slide and blow away your views. But they earned points for being “honest.”
As for that “being honest,” I used to have a work associate who was fond of being honest. She ended each excoriation of me with the statement: “I’m just being honest.” Despite my blackened and blistered state, I never replied in this way: “No law requires you to spit out of your mouth each toxic thought that enters your head.”
When a person hears “just be honest,” that person should self-immolate. No one wants you to “just be honest.” People want validation and reassurance. There is a Geico (insurance) commercial with “Honest” Abe Lincoln sweating out a reply to Mary Todd’s question about whether her dress makes her “backside” look big. He does not want to enter “the truth,” another conversational swamp.
When I hear, “To tell you the truth,” I often respond by saying, “No! Don’t tell me the truth. You’ve been lying up to this point, so why break from tradition? Just keep lying!”
Needless to say, if I were you – and I’m just being honest here – I would tell you the truth: that question was really stupid.